{Revolutionary Women}: The Meeting, Change Is Inevitable -Part 4

Join us for our series {Revolutionary Women} Touched By Jesus, Resulting In Radical Change.

You can go back and read all the posts in this series: 

{Revolutionary Women} Touched By Jesus Resulting In Radical Change -Part 1

{Revolutionary Women}: The Confrontation -Part 2

{Revolutionary Women}: Up In Flames, Nothing But Ashes -Part 3

* * * * *

December 2010, while many families were sitting next to warm fireplaces with lovely decorated mantles, I laid in the small bathroom of our hotel suite. I had totally given up on life. I had given up on church. I had given up on ministry. I could care less what anyone said about me. I wanted to run. And if not for the grace of God, I would have done just that.

That night, in the bathroom, I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. I cried until the reserves of my soul dried up and all that remained was a dreaded quietness.

It’s the silence that allows you to hear what you would have heard a long time ago, had you been listening…



That night as I lay in my brokenness, I heard the sweet, loving voice of Jesus speak to my heart.

Why won’t you let Me sit here with you?

We don’t even have to talk about it. I just want to sit here with you.

That same God Who heard the prayers of the little girl who would kneel up on her bed and look out the window… that God Who heard me wish for a family… that God whose heart I broke, when in rebellion I left home and left the church, that God Who I sinned against… that same God Who time and time again called unto me, even though I’d always run in the opposite direction…

THAT God, He wanted to sit there with me.

I didn’t need to give Him explanations for all the crazy thoughts going on inside. I didn’t need to explain my irrational behavior. I didn’t need to make excuses, or promises… He just wanted to sit there with me.

I was broken. I had nothing to offer Him. Yet He, in His amazing love, still wanted me.


My friend, I hope that by now you understand that this part of my journey is about a lot more than my disorganized home. See, my struggle in my home had to do with lack of knowledge, lack of skill and preparation, and lack of surrender to God. I was still walking around life with walls and barriers lifted high in order to avoid being hurt by people.

But rather than bring me security, these high and thick walls left me feeling like a failure. They left me imprisoned in my own world of insecurities and brokenness. Instead of shielding me from the pain of this world, it isolated me to my own depravity.  It forced me to remain stuck in this state of barrenness where fruit could not be produced, only desired. 

My mental and emotional disorder was such that without even realizing it, I carried around self-hate. Bitterness, anger, jealousy, envy, rejection, and depression were my constant companions. I was my own enemy. I was so good at sabotaging my own dreams.

And when you’re living with a constant internal mess, contamination is bound to occur. That’s what happened to me. I could not manage the exterior mess because I was too busy hiding the interior chaos.


Someone once asked me, “What changed everything for you. If you had to pin point it, what was it that caused things to change?”

Without having to think about it, I answered, “I know exactly what it was. Jesus gave me permission to grieve.” And I shared the story I shared with you today.

See, I was grieving losses. I was grieving the shattered mess that was my existence. I was grieving years of what I considered failure. I was grieving things I didn’t even know I held onto. And when many misunderstood me, when many questioned my heart and my motives, when many judged and pointed the finger, Jesus saw me (the real me).

And you know what? He didn’t see me in my mess and tell me to have faith. He didn’t see me in my mess and tell me I needed to pray more. He didn’t say, “I told you so” or “It serves you well!“. He didn’t laugh at me. He didn’t push me to the side. He didn’t tell me I was a failure and that I couldn’t get anything right. He didn’t shove my sin in my face. He didn’t tell me I was a leader and I needed to get my act together. He didn’t do any of that. He did the unexpected.

He asked me, ‘why won’t you let me sit here with you?’ 

And with that simple question, He gave me permission to grieve. He wanted to sit with me. He wanted to go through this painful process with me. He wanted me to know that He did not forsake me… that my chaos was not enough to separate me from His love.

That’s IT! That’s the secret.

Did you miss it? 

Jesus gave me permission to feel what I felt. Jesus gave me permission to grieve.

People don’t know the life you’ve lived. They have not seen the things you’ve seen. They may think they understand but they have not lived the exact situations you’ve lived. The threads that intertwine to create the fabric of your story, have never, ever been duplicated.

Your struggles, your grief, your weaknesses, your failures, your depravity, your pain and brokenness, your dreams… the reasons you do the things you do, the reasons you say the things you say, the reasons you operate the way you have… none of that will be completely understood by others.

People will misjudge you.

People will criticize you.

People will reject you.

People will push you to the side.

People will talk about you.

But today, if you don’t already know Him, I present to you Jesus.

I extend to you the grace He extended to me that night in the bathroom of that hotel suite.

Today, I grant you permission to grieve. I grant you permission to feel the pain you feel. I grant you permission to cry it all out. Just don’t do it on your own…Jesus wants to sit with you. He understands, and He loves you in spite of it all!


Armed with the approval of God and His permission for me to grieve, {I Prepared My Heart For A New Year}. And in February of 2011 when we finally went back home, I made a decision. I was never going to go back to the life I used to live. The Darlene who walked away from her home after the fire, on October 26th, 2010, never walked back in again.

I decided I was going to be {In Pursuit} of God and I was on a quest to live an abundant life in Him.

{In Pursuit} the blog was birthed as a desire to share my journey in hopes that women everywhere would not struggle the way I did. My prayer is that they would experience the transforming power of God which is able to bring order to your mind, your heart, your soul, your life, and your home.  

My life was never again the same! I experienced the touch of Jesus and it resulted in radical change!

Join me tomorrow, for the last part of our series where I will share with you some of those life changing (yet practical and do-able) strategies God’s given us for our family.

Standing in the gap with you and for you,


Read More:

 {Revolutionary Women} It All Begins At Home! -Part 5




Posted on November 15, 2012, in DEVOTIONALS, HOME & ORGANIZATION, HOME MANAGEMENT, LIFE, LIFE LESSONS, ORGANIZING, SPIRITUAL GROWTH and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

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